Gifts from within

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 06:52:34 GMT

   I am so glad I didn't go to the drag show last night. Friend of mine invited me, and I'm not a huge fan of them to start with because of the stereotypes they propogate and the fact that there's an infinitesmal chance that I would enjoy getting hit on by guys. This one I'm especially glad I missed, because by my friend's admission, both my ex and her new girlfriend were there tonight. That would not have ended well, considering that we're not exactly on speaking terms. Just thinking about that entire situation makes me feel dirty, so on to vaguely more pleasant news.
   This weekend as a whole threw me something for a loop, and it all sorta compounded on itself. Friday night made my head swim. I love my sister to death, but sometimes she just needs to learn when to just shut up and realize that I'm not just some guy. Her text messages put my head in a bad place to end one section of the night, and then I went out to dinner with her. It was nice to have a dinner out that I didn't have to pay for, but I just sat and listened to the conversation for two hours. I also had a drink, which put my head in an interesting place when I called a friend to hang out, to find out that they were still at the apartment, and she more or less invited me back when the hostess wanted everyone except one other person to clear out. I'm not really sure how I ended up being the bearer of bad news, but eventually we were kicked out, and I left.
   I don't know why this bugged me so much, but I would imagine part of it has to do with that between my classes, my work, my volunteer work, and my responsibilities to my family, I'm not going to have time to hang out all that frequently. This is going to lead to an inevitable drifting apart of relationships that have become closer than I expected them to be, and I don't see a way around that. I'll work on that, but on some level, I'm wondering if that wouldn't be a bad thing. There's so much history in this town for me, and so little of it feels like positive history. I've effectively lost CJ as a friend, Lindsey and Siobhan have drifted away because they spend so much time in the circles that I am now trying to avoid because I'm not gay enough for the GLBT community. Furthermore, there's only one person that I know who fits my standards for a long term partner, and she doesn't live in the area, and it has been made clear that I don't live up to her standards. There are two people who are holding me here, who live up to the important qualities I look for in people I keep in my life, but there are major stumbling blocks with married women and lesbians that make things too complicated to worry about a future with. I'm going to have to live closer to my own standards than I have in the past, and it's not going to be easy or pleasant for a lot of people.

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 21:59:21 GMT

First, some excerpts from mine and other's writings.

Iam REALLY angry right now. I read Joe Solmenese's open letter from the Human Rights Campaign, and had a conversation with the president of my local GSA. I hate that proposition 8 did pass, and I'm moved by the call to action. I'm conflicted because I feel betrayed by the gay community right now. The conversation I had with the president of the GSA followed as such. "I heard you were dating [a questioning lesbian]. You think you'd have learned from the first time." There's only one person who could have told her enough details about that particular situation for her to be that confident in her assertion. I disclosed that information in confidence to that person, I feel like my trust has been betrayed or worse, misplaced in the first place. I know in my heart of heart's that isn't true, but I am steaming right now. I'm wondering why I bother supporting the queer community when some members of that community turn around and say things like that to me

I sincerely wish that I could answer the questions that people are asking.

I'm gonna try...

Who I am? Well it changes. As do most people's definitions of themselves. Life is an evolutionary process. I'm not the same as I was last week and next week I'll be a little different too. I don't like labels because they imply some form of permanence. Let me just clarify that whatever lifestyle I used to live, isn't the same as the one I live now. I claim my right to allow all aspects of myself to be in a constant state of flux. AKA: just becuase I used to "be" something, doesn't mean I have to always "be" that same something. :)

Where I am going? I'm headed wherever the Lord takes me. So far it looks like Social Work is my calling, with a bit of advocacy thrown into the mix. I'm doing an internship right now to become a women's advocate, I'm in school to become a social worker, and I volunteer at the Tacoma Rescue Mission once in a while. God seems to have given me a love for the people in this world that no one wants. I have a lot of patience and compassion so I'm going wherever I need to be in order to use my gifts to their fullest potential. Geographically...your guess is as good as mine!

Where did I come from? I came from NY by way of plane. I come from all of my days, all of my experiences, all of my past, just like you. The things in my past are not my definition however, whether they be good things or bad. Situations and circumstances do not define who I am. So when you ask where I came from, what do you really want to know?

Who do I love? I love my family. God. My friends. My cat. And that one other person in my life who understands me, accepts me, and can always make me laugh, my equal.

What do I believe in? Well that could take up a lot of space. But I believe that people have the right to be who they are and to be true to themselves without the fear of persecution. I belive in God. I believe what the Bible says. I believe I know who I am. I believe that I'm hungry, and so this entry is at it's end.

Many of you who know my religious beliefs and are reading this post probably know that neither that issue or the one regarding questioning one's sexuality has been one that I've been completely able to shut out of my mind. We've put in the hard work the last two weeks or so to construct the walls around ourselves and our relationship that effectively say "if you walk within their halls, there are certain rules or conduct and understanding you abide by, or we will kick you out." I've only had to throw three people out so far. I'm ruing not keeping Pai in my life as much as have, because I'd be turning to her right now for advice on how to navigate the religion issue in relationships, though I think I have plan that will work in the meantime.

In other news, my family has basically adopted a second son, a friend of mine who was kicked out of his house and I asked my parents if he could move in with us until we're able to find an apartment that we both can live with. I've got one in particular that has peaked my interest, so we'll see how that goes. The problem with that situation is that I'm frankly not sure if I want to be living with anyone right now. Living with someone else would require a merging, or at least coexistence, of the lifestyles of two people. Considering who the frontrunner for that other person position is, I'm not really sure that living situation would be a positive one, for any number of reasons, including me feeling like I have to play Dr. Phil way more often than I want to. Having a girlfriend with roommates can cause issues as well. I look to Mr. and Mrs. Kohn for some useful advice with that answer, though I'm not sure they even read this blog. I have the offer of a one bedroom apartment in the unused downstairs of the parent's of a friend of mine from church if I'd like it, and for quite an affordable price at that. We shall see what happens with that one.

I have a winter break to watch some TV, read some good books, spend some quality time with people(and one person in particular) I really care about, and generally retain my sanity for the work, challenges and things that just seem to happen that I'm sure will occur next quarter. I've got the inside track to being posted to Great Lakes, though when that decision actually takes place really depends on where both logan and her sister are in their lives, and making sure that they are both at a place where a move halfway across the country is reasonable for them. That I'm even considering an event that it probably 18 months or more away as a given kinda tells you how I feel about it and the people that I would be asking to come with me. This blog post has drug on for far to long at this point, and though I think there was more I wanted to say(only posting every month or so will do this), but I'll leave it for now, or until it occurs to me.

Week of heaven and hell

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 04:31:18 GMT

This last week has been an interesting one for me. It's also been about a month since I've last posted here, so I thought it might do well to update people on my life and let them know I'm still alive. Unlike most of my other blogs, however, this one will not be posted on my myspace page, as it will probably contain anecdotes that would implicate various people in my current life with things that would get them in trouble or more cause more questions than its worth. To start the two weekends ago off, I went to a Halloween party, met a women there, and had a one night stand. The feminists in the audience are booing at this point, but I didn't expect to take her home with even 10 minutes before it happened, and with a fairly large amount of cajoling from both she and a number of my friends. I didn't expect it to turn into a one night stand afterwards either. I actually knew the woman I woke up to fairly well, and we had been moving towards dating for about two weeks. Thinking about it in the next couple of days, we mutually decided it was probably a bad idea, and didn't really have a future as a long-term, committed relationship. It was fun, and could have been something more if she didn't smoke, rave, or engage in serial sexual activities with relative strangers, among other things. I don't have any reason to worry about the after effects, but with that revelation, I'm going to get tested regardless. I only really figured out that the dealbreakers were hard and fast dealbreakers for me until after the sex. Mistakes are sometimes made by good intentioned people, and in this case, no one was emotionally or physically scarred by the situation.

Ironically, a committed relationship fell into my lap about 12 hours later. This is a situation where I've known the person for quite a while now and am fairly certain that if our friendship can endure the shit we've already been through, we're probably good until we're sixty. Kinda reminds me of the relationship I had with carrot top at northwestern, but that has a different dynamic to it. We're taking things slowly, as most of the drama we've been through involves our(ok, mostly my) lack of patience in the matter, and it ended up getting me really hurt last time we meandered into each others lives. I'm ok with taking the risk again, in part because she came to me with the suggestion that we date this time around. We spent most of tuesday, wednesday night and friday morning hanging out, getting reaquainted. I had an extra ticket to a Trans Siberian Orchestra Concert on saturday night, so we spent a while wandering around Seattle Center(Space Needle, etc) before the concert just hanging out. Apparently, I may shortly become the de facto father to her sixteen year old sister, but there's not very much committment involved there if I don't want there to be. We're involved in a club together, and there are a number of people important to us that might take exception to our relationship... which is why almost no one around here knows about it. I could lose my best guy friend, and in the extreme case, my job, over it, but considering my best guy friends were brad and maybe jeremy at Northwestern... what does that tell you about the quality of the guy friendships I usually have? My line of last resort for various levels of questioning has been "yeah, I have a girlfriend, you'll meet her when you meet her. Now leave me alone."

Sunday and most of today were used to catch up on work, write a gender studies trifecta of papers, which involved extensive use of my ability to bullshit my way out of fort knox, but they're done, and done reasonably well, so we'll have to see what happens. I also finished the take home/multiple choice section of another exam for developmental psychology, and a quiz in my human sexuality class. All of them cold. Such is life. I've got my application to the UWT already and packaged away, ready to hear back from NU's registrar, the college board, and TCC about when my grades will get to them so I can finish my B.A. and move on to my Ph.D program in clinical psychology at USUHS, in bethesda maryland. I've dropped about 10 pounds in the last month, so I should get to where I need to be 9-12 months from now when I'm finishing out my degree. That being said, I've really grown up. I don't really need anyone/thing to function properly, and I'm racking up success when i actually concentrate on me occasionally, so that I have things to give people when they ask.

Whew. Any questions about the inane details of my life, like my working 8:30-12:30 and 3-7 and going to classes from 12:30-2:30, feel free to ask, but I've covered the important developments that I care about above. Oh, I did write a two page affadavid this week, which apparently made the subject anxious and not particularly content. I signed my name under threat of perjury that I wasn't lying... so I can imagine it wouldn't make anyone particularly comfortable, considering that I didn't hold any punches about the mistakes I think she made.

Does this surprise ANYONE?

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 03:45:09 GMT

The Rabble {Brujah}

10 Assamite, 29 Brujah, 14 Gangrel, -1 Malkavian, 9 Nosferatu, 7 Toreador, 6 Tremere, 3 Ventrue, 2 Lasombra, 3 Tzimisce, 4 Setites, 7 Giovanni and 5 Ravnos!

The Brujah are a clan of action. Unlike the other clans who sit and complain about the way things are, the Brujah actually do something about it. Known for their intimidating demeanor and their ability to follow orders, the Brujah are the muscle of the undead. They are a violent group who fly off the handle very easily. They're not known for their intelligence, in other words, they're not very smart but they CAN lift heavy things so they are useful. Most Brujah fancy themselves to be anarchs and revolutionists but they'll use any excuse to start a fight.

For you to be a Brujah means that you don't care much for artsy culture but you do like to punch people. You probably listen to Metallica cranked all the way up and call yourself a metal fan. However, if anyone disagrees you will probably take them the f*ck out. You make your living by intimidation. In short the Brujah are either amazing revolutionists or muscle bound morons. You make the call.

Considering most of my past characters died trying to destroy the system with a fleebrained idea... this just makes me chuckle.

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:47:08 GMT

Fair warning, what follows below is personal and fairly stream of consciousness, so I apologize if it’s the absolutely incomprehensible, but that’s how I roll. That’s what comments are for. :-p
Lately, I’ve found myself very confused. The situation that has given rise to my confusion is one that I’m not complaining about, it is simply one that I have never experienced to this same extent before… having people interested in me for who I am as a person, and not what I can offer them. With my sister, Kristen, Logan, Lindsey, Siobhan and even CJ I’m at a point where we’ve been through enough trials and know each other well enough to trust that if either person were in a jam, the other would do anything in their power to help them, with no strings attached. As with all solid friendships, there would probably be a debt incurred, but it wouldn’t have to be written down or even specifically quantified. That’s a level of trust that very few people have enjoyed with me, and in a number of cases, that trust came at fairly steep price for both parties involved… anyone who’s been paying attention knows that it’s a miracle that the three lesbians on the above list are still talking to me.
In a related activity, I recently did some soul-searching to better understand what I was looking for in a partner and other people I want to include in my life, so that I could put that hamster in my head to rest before I went back to school. I’ve been trying to do this less because I’m actively looking for someone (though like anyone without someone “special”, I’d love to have someone, in large part because I feel the same social pressure that is common for those my age), but more to clarify those ideas in my own head so that it’s somewhat easier to figure out who and how to keep good people in my life. In short, those that I keep active in my inner life need to be ok with who I am, particularly when it comes to my ultimate goals. They also really need to know where they’re going in life and be making some attempt at getting to those goals. Everyone on the list above qualifies under those stipulations to a greater or lesser extent, but none of those same people qualify as possible partners, for a plethora of reasons. Trust me, there are some near misses on that list, but that’s a discussion for another time.
I’ve been thinking a lot, particularly considering a quote from the movie “Elegy”: A comment from one guy in that movie to another: “Beautiful women are invisible; (look of shock) we're so dazzled by the outside that we never make it inside.” I would tend to agree, and I know that the tendency has caused me to be a guy that I don’t really want to be. Here’s the conundrum… the two people I am romantically interested in at this point are really unknown entities to me, though all indications are positive. That makes me seriously uncomfortable. The last time I landed in a relationship or deep friendship with this little information, it ended pretty badly, for me particularly. I based my commitment, actions, and feelings on outward appearances, without really considering what could have been going on with the other problem. The real problem here is the age old problem of intelligence gathering… I never really developed the socials skills I need to I find out the information I need to know without falling all over myself. It’s just a matter of overcoming the “Iaccoca balance” - the balance between needing so much information to make a decision that it paralyzes the process entirely and while having enough that you can make an informed analysis of the risks and rewards of any particular action. The problem is that you have to do that while knowing the information you have is still relevant to the particular situation. So begins the hamster trapped in a wheel that is my thought processes. Add to that my occasional inferiority complex, and you have a fairly complicated situation of me trying to balance my attraction and genuine caring for people, because both inwardly and outwardly, I haven’t figured out how to make those impulses cooperate with each other. I also haven’t had the time to talk to either person one-one to have a mature conversation about where I’m as far as they’re concerned. We shall see what happens, I guess.

Changes

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 08:25:19 GMT

Anyone who knows me well enough to actually say they know me appreciates exactly how fickle and unpredictable I can be at times. I've been considering that a lot recently, and I'm beginning to come to terms with that part of who I am. I have issues with financial matters sometimes, but there's really nothing that a good check ledger, an excel sheet, and talking to both my bankers and my dad every two weeks or so can't fix on that front. Sometimes I look down at the schedule that I've established for myself in a day that and realize that on a whim, I over scheduled myself from dawn to dusk. I'm also getting better at that, and the friends that I'm going to keep around understand that they don't necessarily fall at, or even near, the top of my list of priorities, and if something comes up, I will try my damnedest to make it up to them. Like that bouquet of flowers that appeared on your doorstep two weeks ago with no discernible owner. I doubt you realize it, but that was me repaying you for having to run to Seattle for a Pride event that I forgot about. I'm not perfect, and though the ASVAB disagrees, I'm not even close to being perfect. The closest I've managed to come is fairly balanced and driven. If something is worth it, I'll throw myself at it with everything that I have. Where I made my mistakes in the past was deciding was legitimately worth the effort. Teffie and mary anne, sorry, but at the end of the day, you weren't. Most of dcp wasn't worth it. The jury is still out on becky and nat, but I'm leaning towards not on the second one, and probably on the first. I'm making better choices these days, and driving towards the ultimate goal. I have a tillichian and buberian style sermon/post coming at some point on this subject in the next coupla days, but for right now, I've got work tomorrow and need to abuse the the time between now and 9:30 to recharge my batteries.

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:49:45 GMT

By request of the most concentrated source of happiness for me, I make a triumphant return to LJ to update people on my life. In short, its been relatively boring since I last post here. My quarter GPA for last quarter was a .68. That is not a typo folks, it was possibly the worst 10 weeks I've ever experienced, for reasons that have already been spoken about in this blog. As far as Lo/Nicci and I go, I kinda expect to preside over their weddings in like... 6-8 years. As far as the rest of my social life goes... friends are friends are friends. I'm refusing to be bullied into hanging out and doing something when all I want to do is kick back and read or finish up some work.

As far as work goes, I'm working three jobs: I'm the program coordinator for the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network for my county... which means that I'm responsible for every High School and College GSA in the county. I'm writing a grant for 15 grand to help us run programs and pay me something decent, which is due in... 8 days. I should probably get on that something fierier than what I am right now. I'm also working at the Museum of Glass selling tickets and tutoring at my local community college. Both of those has its "*shrug* it's a paycheck?" moments at this point, each has moments that keep me around and interested. I am in awe of the talent that Lino Tagliapietra exhibits in his work, and the visiting artists that we've had so far have reignited my desire to get back into the hotshop, which has in the past been a protected space for me to escape to.

I'm working on my bachelor's degree, if I can manage to get my transcripts in before hell freezes over, I should get into the Tacoma campus of the University of Washington. I've got a good feeling about this, particularly because I've worked out a preliminary agreement with the Navy to work as a chaplain/social worker for them when I get out of grad school, which is pretty nice.

I don't know if its the people I've managed to surround myself with, but I've had something of a creative explosion, recently. sketching, writing, and all the other forms of expression that I used to take for granted, and basically disappeared when I got involved with DCP and NU in general has begun to flourish again. I guess you don't miss something like that until its gone and you're able to reclaim it. In this same vein, I've started to DM a DnD campaign for some of my friends, which is enjoyable for me, but I let them know when I'm too tired/hectic/stressed to do the story justice(ironically, the most effective character in the campaign so far has been the BARD(go figure.)

I think that's enough for now. Sorta the balance between interesting and boring. Things are happening, but I'm kinda just grinding through things to get to my full potential. Also, I toss out to the meme that go me back into this thing:

1) Tell you an object I have that reminds me of you, and explain how/why it does so
2) Explain how I envision you as a fictional character (eg from a book, movie, imagination etc)
3) Tell you something I like about you
5) Ask you something I want to know about you.
6) Propose an adventure we should go on in real life (you should either agree or counter-propose XP)
7) In return, you post this in your LJ, and get may comments....oh the precious commentses...we likes them we do...

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 23:15:04 GMT

As most of the people who will actually read this journal know, the last three month or so have been... hectic and confusing for me, mostly thanks to the women involved in my life. I fell for a girl that I met through the Pride and Allies Club at my local community college, and became so enmeshed in her life that when she, a lesbian, admitted that she had a crush on me, I didn't even think twice about my answer. I would begin a week of events that would cause me an amount of emotional pain that has been rivaled only twice: a series of really bad days that would prematurely end my freshman year at Northwestern University with a series of suicide attempts, and the second conversation I had with Carol after having not talked to her in over six months, when she told me she'd been raped. This morning, I learned that this girl has officially fallen head over heels for someone, presumably a woman. I've been involved with the GLBTQ community and supporting the decisions of that community for a LONG time(9 years now), and I've never been closer to throwing in the towel and saying "I hope I never meet another lesbian or bi woman in my life" than I am right now.
There's a modicum of the societal bias towards bi women (you just have to read the advocate to realize that BOTH lesbians and straight men commit this hubris, but I'm not gonna go into the gender politics of this country) and heterosexist bias here, but most of that feeling is the intense internal self-loathing that has developed from making a complete fool of myself for the last several women I cared about, and then grimacing at how much their successive relationships have proven my favorite saying "nice guy's finish last; as do women who prove it." To see why, you just have to look at a list of the people I was truly attracted to/cared and have been left or rejected for someone else:

Carol: Matt and some guy in Kentucky.
Teffie: Mara.
Mary Ann: Rachel and Sean.
Logan: unknown woman, and before me, Jin-hui.

Considering how each of those has turned out so far, there isn't an example of good judgment in relationships on that list. There are only two, maybe three, people that I wouldn't be insulted to find my name next to. Call me superstitious, but that makes me not want to date anyone... because apparently I do something to people that makes them leave me and then make exceptionally bad decisions or be pretty miserable afterward. My logic then follows that if I truly care about someone, for their sake, I should stop feeling the way that I do to save us both the heart-ache. These musings led me to write this piece, reminiscent of why I earned the nickname "FIST":

I look around, but instinctively know that there is no one in the basement of my apartment building at 3am. 12 pounders, real “heavy bag” gloves, hang limply from the end of my arms. I send my cellphone skittering across the concrete floor, to lay dark and silent next to people who I could call with it. I slide to the balls of my feet, languidly twisting my hips to slowly release the caged beast that has been clawing at my ribs for the last 16 hours. I begin slowly, building my momentum, glove meeting leather in a steady rhythm, working myself through a progression of strikes that my body slides in to as easily as a sailboat slipping beneath 15 foot swells on the Bering Sea.

Finally unhindered, my mind follows my body into the roiling seas, and each jab punctuates a thought like a carriage return at the end of a paragraph. These seas act like a gigantic trommel, tossing the smallest selfish thoughts through the earliest. The first thing to fall through is my concern for money. Financially, I manage, soon to be working 60 some hours a week between 4 jobs, even though I’ll pay 500 bucks a month, plus utilities, for a room in a house that needs more work than my character, and volunteer as a tutor at the Tacoma Rescue Mission to cut down on the cost of food for myself. My parents see their son working that hard on something non-academic as a step backwards, but they don’t know that my boxing and work are pushing me much farther than academics ever did.

That’s why I started boxing, so that I didn’t have to slow down. If I don’t keep my brain running, I feel like eventually my past would catch up with my present and future and tear them to shreds. It’s hard to escape that thought for me; the last three years have been littered with more tatters than anything else. The holes have had names like Northwestern, Carol, Americorps, Mary Ann, Logan, transfer applications, April 16th, 2007, and any number of others. Each one of those holes makes me wonder what I can do differently, what I can do better. Why did I deserve a second, third, fourth, and fifth chance to get this all right when many don’t get more than one? I know the margin for error is shrinking; this time, I have the hopes and aspirations of three other fighters resting on my ability to hold things together.

My heart aches when I think about the question one of those people asked me three days ago “Are you gonna be my daddy?” I and his mother know the answer to that question is no. She’s nearly ten years my elder and there’s mutual respect, but we’re both interested in other people as long-term companions. Yet, until someone better qualified comes along, I can’t help but take that role on, for the boys’ sakes. I hope each meeting of glove on bag holds at least part of the hard lessons that I hope to teach them, because I haven’t had half the struggle any of them has had, which is pretty embarrassing considering I could legitimately be the father of two of them. If I don’t learn these lessons, it’s going to be hard to teach them.

I get to the end of my normal routine, my arms and legs aching, my left wrist splitting where I broke it punching the steel side of an elevator three months ago. It isn’t enough, and I add another set of punches, just like I have every time I have a chance to come down here. I push myself in an attempt to reveal the inner and outer strength I know is buried under the things and people who I let knock me down, over and over again. I’m actively trying to break my body and mind in half, to prove to myself that I can survive getting knocked down, getting off the mat, broken hand in tow, a few more times. Only I really seem to appreciate that both my mind and body will be broken more often than not before I reach my goals, but that I WILL get to them.

I drop to my knees, offer a small prayer of thanks to all those people who helped me survive just one day longer, and strip off my gloves. I head for the showers, knowing that after 10 minutes under the warm water in my apartment, no one besides me will know the sweat, the blood, or the collected insulation dust settling into my hair was ever there. My knowing is more than enough for now.

Rereading and writing all of this has left me pretty drained. I don't even know if half of that makes sense, I'm just left with this smothering desire to hold Nat for some reason. Cynically, I feel like that's probably because she didn't play games. I'm gonna end this post before I get myself in any more trouble. Peace out.

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:11:33 GMT

It has been almost two months(or so) since I've posted here on LJ, mostly because there really hasn't been all that much to report. I'm still taking classes, social psych, abnormal psych, intro to education, arabic, and a tutoring practicum, for which I tutor 2 or 3 dozen math, science, english, and psych classes. Those who don't know me or my parents that well might take that course load and my success in those classes as a triumph, especially considering where I was 6 months ago. Yet, I still can't get the bitter taste out of my mouth. I left my prospective roommates to take care of the rent because I couldn't balance my life effectively, and I owe eric and emily a face to face, sincere apology for that. Considering the idiocy that has, at least temporarily, tainted DCP's good name, I am reassured that my decision to leave Illinois was the correct one. Even still, I am not sure when I'm going to have the time or desire to come back and face the loose ends I left there, even given the things that still call me back to Chicago.

My friends and I watched "Girl, Interrupted" two nights ago, after a long trip up to Bremerton to help move someone down to Tacoma. There was quite a lot of uncomfortable drama during that move out, but it felt nice to have a group of people around who aren't too busy with school, or life to be there for me. I fell asleep halfway or so through the movie, but it's still one that is a litte too close too home for comfort. A lot of the time, Waukegan felt a lot like an asylum, where I'd been placed to "get better" or "grow up" or whatever it was that people thought I needed to do. It also reminded me that there is some family you choose and some you don't, those that you choose show you that they're family regardless of the situation, regardless of who you are or become, by your own choice or not. I guess, in a way, it makes sense that I found a family among half a dozen lesbians. Go figure, right?

Optricians office

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 03:54:37 GMT

It's been a while since I've posted here, but I've just been taking care of life. I'm working with a tutoring agency, and I just had an optrician's appointment. This led me to this conclusion about life... it's like having an optrician's appointment every couple of days. You go into the office, you sit in a chair, with a huge set of lenses in front of you. The doctor then flips between various settings, changing how well you can see various size letters on a screen in front of you. The doctor is talented at changing the lenses, and making educated guesses about what is likely to improve your vision, but it is ultimately your responsibility and your judgement that differentiates "better" from "ok" from "worse", because no one else's brain is recieving the same input that your optic nerve is sending to your occicipital lobe and that impulse will fire a somewhat different set of neurons from person to person. This is how I view perception in real-life. Certain people, like optrician, help you read letters more clearly, but if, after leaving the doctor's office, you read a "STOP" sign as "SPTO" and run into another car, the optrician is unlikely to be able to help you. You'd be better off going to someone who knows something about dyslexia, working with them, and then coming back to the optrician if you're having difficulty seeing. By the same token, while I take for granted that when I see a stop sign, or a blinking light, or a right hand turn only lane, I understand what those symbols mean and how to react to them, it is irresponsible for me to expect my 9 year old nephew to understand them in the same unconcious way that I do. This relevation is important to me in tutoring, because if when I try to tell someone how a particular molecule is formed or a reaction takes place, sometimes they comprehend the concept immediately, and sometimes the idea finally clicks when I take out my molecular models and perform what I like to call "molecular demolition derby", complete with corny John Madden-esque play by play narration. Both people now know and understand how the reaction takes place, one method is just different than another.

Working with kids in tutoring and my sociology class, I've also learned the dangers of contempt. Contempt, or the perception that you are intrinsically better than someone else because of a trait or set of traits that you possess that someone else does not. John Gottman of the University of Washington, states that contempt is the most destructive force in any relationship, and is the greatest predictor of domestic violence and divorce, because by its very nature, it generally takes the form of deriding an entire person instead of specific traits. I think I finally understand why self-proclaimed "seers"(here and in illinois) and their claims get under my skin so much. By this and similar proclamations, people broadcast, whether intentional or not, their contempt for other people's perceptions and views of reality as being less valid than their own, which is patently disrespectful to the intrinsic and VERY natural diversity found throughout humanity. I can also see why people can and would make the same claim of me, as I've been guilty of contempt in more situations that I'd like to admit or am even aware of. Anyone who has this same problem or suspects someone else of having this very human failing, the most constructive piece of literature I have found on the subject is the play "Oedopus Rex".

And here ends the existential ramblings of a guy who's still trying to figure it all out.

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 04:29:20 GMT

I dedicate this video to john, my favorite lighting dude.

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 03:22:37 GMT

I've managed to find a major that I think I can actually deal with- it's the fairhaven school at Western Washington University's. This program basically reads: "create your own major". My major's working title: The free and responsible search for truth: how to get along with yourself and others". As pithy as this sounds, the major really boils down to social science alphabet soup: sociology, psychology, human services, social work, anthropology, social justice, philosophy. so and so forth. The idea is to try to arm myself with as much knowledge about how people act and interact on both a micro and macroscopic scale and teaching me how to guide people in their journey towards "truth" and how to fit that truth into society as a whole. Yes, ladies and gents, I'm out to save the world from itself. That's idealism at its least effective, but my goal is to try to help as many people as possible, in whatever way I can.

THIS IS SPARTA! ~Techno Remix~

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 04:09:07 GMT

I was wasting time on youtube, and I came across.... this. It is kind of amazing.

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 19:42:35 GMT

Posting this is unlikely to make me popular, but I'd pose it as a challenge to my peers

http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1657256_1657317,00.html

Peace out,
P squared

Kid Rock!! So Hot!!!

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 23:15:41 GMT

This video is pretty much not politically correct, but I'm somewhat amused by the discussion of the lyrics in my psych class. My class is mostly angry feminists, and while I understand their problems... on some level I can understand the circumstances that inspired this song, and I gotta respect KRock's honesty. On some level, sex is... well... biological... I dunno, it just made me think, as blunt as the lyrics are.

Cold - Crossfade (music vid.)

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 05:51:02 GMT

Must get into shape

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 21:46:14 GMT

Because ironically, my life has taken a turn for the sur-fucking-real lately. I ship out for basic training whenever I decide I'm in shape enough to survive two months of constant punishment, which I'm now working on, through the US Coast Guard Auxillary program and riding a 10-40 mile route to school every day, each way. If you've ever been to San Francisco, you have some idea of what hills in Tacoma, Washington, are like. Oh, then there's 13 weeks of "A" school to train me on intelligence analysis and emergency medical procedures while flying over the ocean in a helicopter at 400 knots. Fun times. But right now, I've gotta worry about sociology, psych, and Arabic. Final course work objective in 3-5 years: Chaplain for the USCG and US Navy out of Naval Station Great Lakes, about 35 miles north of Chicago up the Lake Michigan Coast.
Peace out, y'all.

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 07:15:32 GMT

This is likely to be rambly and not terribly legible, but I need to reach a couple of people in E-vil with some parting messages and news, because I'm pretty sure they care.

Welcome to a lesson in pharmacology: On a fairly regular basis, I have a couple of Liver Function Tests(LFT's) done, as I have a couple of fairly serious risk factors for liver damage and diabetes(my weight, my blood sugar level,a family history of cancer and a medication I take). My last one, taken a couple of days ago, came back slightly adnol, which isn't totally surprising, as I was hit today by what I suspect to be a 24 hour flu. However, it does mean I have to go in and get stuck with a needle(ick) and give some more blood for testing. Wonderful. And some people wondered why I was a teatotaller... well now you know. Oh, and I anti-depressants keep me alive, so why would I want to intake long term depressants?

Classes start tommorrow, and I'm taking 4: introduction to sociology, intro to psych, intro to poli sci, and arabic. Should be interesting. I made this realization about perceptions of NU students: people see them as stuck up and snobbish because ambition is required to survive in that kind of environmental, but ambition becomes toxic when it gets out of hand. Everything in moderation, especially when dealing with my lovely storytellers ok?

Now to the personal messages:

To Samwise, the only person I know who owns a map of that world: This is my overly romantic(or loyal?) side, but you were one of two people that, had you asked me to stay, I would have submarined all other concerns and stayed. There was always this palpable tension for me, and I don't know if you noticed, but I never really stopped caring. You're probably the one person who knows and totally accepted who I was before and after the summer and then again sophmore year. We will probably never see each other again, so I don't feel so bad admitting that at the points when I wanted to die, my dreams were full of me taking a bullet for you. Funny how I always thought that sort of unconditional dedication would creep you out.

Pai: The other half of the duo that could have kept me, had they struggled. You bring out the inner theologian in me. Sometimes what is right runs full steam into the brick wall that is reality and gets a serious bloody nose. The Apple might have been eaten so that, if only in restrospect, the hidden door in that wall can be found. Don't always try to destroy the wall, it generally leads to many bumps, bruises, and headaches. I think you've figured that one out, but you know me, always trying to attack the obvious from another angle. I'm always here, on the other end of that internet cable, to be the hammer you use to sound out where the hollow places in the wall might be hiding that darn door.

To the person who doesn't study gender studies because she learned enough from her family:
You have a really hard choice to make. You know where I stand already, but I can't ever know all of the hard, gut-wrenching details as they develop. I think for quite a while we both thought I was giving you advice so I could do a clever little switcheroo. You told me off, and that conversation in the pouring rain really taught me that I could, with a little bit of training, make a fine counselor. I want to talk to you more, but I'm not a proffessional counselor, so you're unlikely to listen anymore.

That's all I have the mental and emotional energy for right now, but Part II should be swinging through soon enough.

Some people just can't help it...

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 21:24:55 GMT

So, apparently, there's some who are freaking out about my last post. I've talked to my roomates, tried to explain the situation to them, but I feel like perhaps everyone should be in on where my situation stands.

There are 5 options, with some permutations that I can take come January 1st:

1. I can return to Northwestern University, through the School of Social Policy and Secondary Education, pursuing a Social Policy/Religion double major.
1a. I can also begin taking classes at Oakton in Fire Science as a Paramedic. This is dependent on the same factors as 2.
This option is availible to me if the following conditions are met:
1. I want to return to Northwestern (things need to change, in myself and in the way I build the structure around myself, but this is option #1 for a reason)
2. My parents are willing to financially assist me in paying for school.(Unfortunately, I'm on much the same tightrope that Steph is in this matter, and it's causing some problems)
3. I was a student in good standing when I left.(I think this is fine from my conservations with Mary Desler, but Dean Wiemer has the final say on this one)
4. I am able to obtain adequate support systems for my return to school.(Unfortunately, this probably means cutting and trimming from my life, and then adding positives, but I haven't decided what form that will take yet)

2. I can leave Northwestern, and take up residence at another Illinois University, pursuing 1a:
This option is open to me if I can:
1) Convince the state of Illinois that I am a resident, after having continously habitated here for 12 months in September.
2) Emacipate myself from my parents
3) Get a job in the Chicagoland Area that has reasonable hours/pay to allow me to pursue an education in the meantime.
4) I can connect with a mental health provider that is adequate to my needs.

3. Extend my service at YCC another 3 months, up to another 15 months:
This option is open to me if:
1. All of 2 is completed, as being away from Northwestern for two years kills option #1.
2. I can convince my boss to keep me for that length of time.

4. I can take my grantwriting/proffessional experience, and get a full time job in Chicago:
This is an option if I can:
1. Find a CAREER that will accept a "some college" applicant(a lot freaking harder than you'd think) and pay me a living wage.
2. Find a job opportunity that allows me the option to pursue further educational opportunities in the relatively short-term.

5. I can return to Washington State and pursue my collegiate life:
This option is open to me if:
1. My application and career opportunities are availible to me in Washington.

This is listed not so much for people to comment on, although come find me in person and I'm more than willing to hear what's on your mind, but to just inform people that the last post that I made is not %100 cemented in my mind, and that I didn't just come up with it on the spur of the moment.

As a rather rapid change of subject, I watched American History X recently. Amazing movie. As a fun little psychology experiment, I'll list the movies/scenes that occurred to me while I followed the thought process above:

American History X
A Beautiful Mind
Good Will Hunting
Saving Private Ryan

That's all for now, and anyone who has any questions, my phone is usually on.

Bellingham or Bust.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 00:52:31 GMT

Northwestern is no longer a viable option. When Western Washington University begins classes for Winter Quarter 2008, Phil Paulson will be among them. I'd like to thank Kelly Hiznay, Jeremy Boguslawski, and Chris Robinson for helping me make that decision. There are a couple of considerations that have contributed to this decision:

I don't want to be in so much debt coming out of college that I can't actually do what I want to do with my degree.
Northwestern brings out the worst in me most of the time.
The weather is nicer.
WWU has a DOPE Environmental Science Program and Religion Program.
One of my best friends goes there, and has told me, "Phil, I'm not sure why you didn't end up there in the first place".
I've been offered a job in the area as a grant writer.

So long DCP, and Northwestern. I will miss you, but I will never forget you.

Nightwish & Sonata Arctica - Beauty and the beast(vivo)

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 17:34:34 GMT

Remember the first dance we shared?
Recall the night you melted my uglyness away?
The night you left with a kiss so kind
Only a scent of beauty left behind
Ah, dear friend I remember the night
The moon and the dreams we shared
Your trembling paw in my hand
Dreaming of that northern land
Touching me with a kiss of a beast
I know my dreams are made of you
Of you and only for you
Your ocean pulls me under
Your voice tears me asunder
Love me before the last petal falls
As a world without a glance
Of the ocean´s fair expanse
Such the world would be
If no love did flow in thee
But as my heart is occupied
Your love to me now has to die
Forgive me, I need more than you can offer me
Didn´t you read the tale
Where happily ever after was to kiss a frog?
Don´t you know this tale
In which all I ever wanted
I´ll never have
For who could ever learn to love a beast?
However cold the wind and rain
I´ll be there to ease up your pain
However cruel the mirrors of sin
Remember, beauty is found within
...Forever shall the wolf in me desire the sheep in you...

Yeehaa. Source of life is good.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 21:56:57 GMT

I've taken on a pastoral care mentor, his name is Aidan McCormack, and he's a seminary student at Meadville Lombard, the seminary attached to the University of Chicago. Someone who knows how to take a persons faith and turn it into a healing tool, and does so as a proffesion. I feel somewhat like a Jedi padawan, sitting in the temple, trying not to be overwhelmed with the responsibility of having that skill, and learning the full complexity and breadth of how to help people without judgement OR forgiveness. I've been mulling over some things, and I came upon two sermons, written by friends and hopefully, one day, colleagues of mine, and I thought that perhaps they might help elucidate what I'm thinking about the world and other things right now, posted behind cuts as not to dominate people's lj windows. As a fair warning, find some time to read them, they're somewhat lengthy, and not really for the close minded:

Contributed by (Rev.) Erika Hewitt </span> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan="2" valign="top"> The Sufi poet Rumi wrote these lines many centuries ago:

Come, whoever you are,
even though you’ve broken your vows a thousand times,
wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving,
ours is no caravan of despair.
Come, yet again, come....

What follows is a sermon about breaking our vows a thousand times: the promises we make in hope, and break in our humanness....

My last name, “Hewitt,” is Irish and comes from my paternalgrandfather. On my mother’s side of the family, I’m a Dabrowski. As youknow, extended families have their own stories, passed down throughoral tradition. In the canon of Dabrowski folklore, I am The One WhoCreated a Stir at Grandma’s Memorial Service. I didn’t intend to createa stir, but I suffered a surprise attack on my theology, and... well,this is the story:

Oneafternoon in March, years ago, my Dabrowski relatives had gathered atGrandma’s Presbyterian church in a Chicago suburb. The sanctuary wasfull of her family, friends, and neighbors.

The memorial servicebegan with a welcome from the pastor, and then a hymn, after which wesettled into our seats and read, in unison, a prayer printed in theorder of service. That’s when I broke one of the cardinal rules ofUnitarian Universalism: when asked to sing or read out loud in church –especially an unfamiliar church – always look ahead at the words!

Onthat day, my eyes were moving at the same rate as my lips. This is whatwe read out loud together: “Holy God, you see us as we are, and knowour thoughts. We confess that we are unworthy of your gracious care.”

\"We confess that we are unworthy of your care.\"

Accordingto my brother and cousins, whose seats flanked mine, my gasp wasaudible throughout the front of the sanctuary. As the congregationcontinued reading the prayer, I felt an angry flush crawl up my face,and remained silent for the rest of the prayer.

I’m not proud ofmy reaction (this was years ago – before I had gotten the knack ofacting like an adult); in fact, I should have expected to hear a prayerof confession at her memorial service, since they are a standard pieceof most Protestant worship services. (In essence, the congregationdeclares that they have faltered on their path and that they need God,and the minister replies with the “assurance of pardon,” proclaimingthat we are forgiven by, and receive new life in, God and/or JesusChrist. It can be a beautiful exchange.)

What caught meoff-guard on this particular day was the language of “unworthiness,”the suggestion that as human creatures we are anything less than theglad recipients of life’s beauty; what offended my UU ears was the useof that language on the occasion of celebrating the life of a belovedwoman. A good woman. A flawed woman, who features prominently inDabrowski folklore... but that’s another story.

As a UnitarianUniversalist, I don’t hold sway with the Calvinist theology that we areunworthy of the loving care of the Holy. Our Universalist heritage, inparticular, assures us of our goodness as human beings. We are all –every person – held within a circle of grace and tenderness. Life’saffection for life is fierce; its gifts are meant for us to receive. Wewill never lie beyond the embrace of life, or of God. It simply doesnot make sense to speak in terms of “worthiness.”

Having feltstung by the prayer of confession at my grandmother’s memorial service(& by the scolding that I received from my brother at thereception), I began a years-long reflection about the desire within theprayer; when I listened to those prayers at more liberal churches,whose language was more approachable, I noticed that the naming ourhuman frailties began to seem awfully relevant to us, as UnitarianUniversalists.

First, a word about language – the “how” – beforeI talk about the “why.” The language of “prayer” and “confession” isnot necessarily our language. Instead, our Unitarian Universalistcenters around the language of “covenant” and “right relationship” –and in that language there is an invitation to reflect on our growingedges; to acknowledge that, at times, we drift out of rightrelationship with each other, despite our hopes and expectations,whether for others or for ourselves.

How might we speak of these mis-steps, and express regret for them without getting stuck in “unworthiness” language?
The best statement I know comes from a T-shirt:
Dear God, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.

Then there’s this prayer:
Dear God,
So far today I\'ve done all right.
I haven\'t gossiped. I haven\'t lost my temper.
I haven\'t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.
I\'m very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God, I\'m going to get out of bed;
And from then on I\'m probably going to need a lot more help.

Ina more serious vein, I find it illuminating that up until recently, ourUnitarian and Universalist hymnals contained text for reflecting on ourmistakes. Here is the language that our Unitarian cousins used in the1940s (from the 1938 hymnal; I’ve removed “thee” and “thou” language):

\"Ounseen source of peace and holiness, we come into your secret place tobe filled with your pure and solemn light. As we come to you, weremember that...we have not walked lovingly with each other...In ourweakness be the quickening power of life. Arise within our hearts ashealing, strength, and joy. Day by day may we grow in faith, incharity,... and in the larger life of love to which you call us.\"

Allof these reflections emphasize that it’s not enough to want to live alife of greater integrity: we need help to be the people that we striveto be. Perhaps some might draw encouragement and inspiration from aLarger Presence, from a God whose grace allows us to begin each dayanew. I would argue that Unitarian Universalists are unique in our needfor receiving this encouragement and strength from each other. Ibelieve that, as people of faith who are held together in covenant, wecall each other back into relationship with each other when the bondsof community are ruptured.

Another way of putting this is thatour Unitarian Universalist congregations are an “interdependent web”which requires that we bring ourselves into balance with each other,and honor the ways that we rely on each other.

In anycommunity (particularly churches) whose members rely on one another,our hopes aren’t always met. It’s painful when people who means so muchto us, fail to meet our expectations and desires. Any time that humanbeings gather, bearing their hopes and needs and tender hearts anddreams of how things might be, there will be unmet hopes and needs. Ourhumanness is constantly rubbing up against our ideal of “belovedcommunity.”

So when our humanness and our mistakes do push usoff balance, out of right relationship, how can we bear witness to thatmis-step in a manner that restores balance, not brings more disorder toit? I believe that when we can name the qualities that make usimperfect and human, we free ourselves to be more real, and to be moreavailable to one other.

I have a “Rhymes with Orange” comicstrip (by Hilary Price) on my desk that reminds me of how easy it is to“bear witness” in an insincerely. Its title is “Fighting with yourpartner: how to make it last & last....”

Over the course of three panels, a couple is shown picking and then sustaining a fight:

Panel1: “Start your clash while lying in bed. Use words like ‘always’ and‘never’ to describe your partner’s behavior.” .... woman to man: “Mustyou always react exactly like your father?”

Panel 2: “Atlunch, give your partner a call – a few well-chosen words and you’ll beright back in the thick of it.” ... man on phone: “I don’t want to getinto it, but at least acknowledge that....”

Panel 3: “Approachyour partner with an apology. This one works well:”… and below, a womansays to a man, “I’m really sorry you reacted so sensitively to what Isaid.”)

As Homer Simpson says, “it’s funny ‘cause it’s true.”How many times do we spark off of each other by tossing the hot-potatoof blame? And how effective is it, really, to try to convince anotherperson that no, the problem is the way that you heard what I said....the way you reacted.... you, you, you. As we know, this sacrificesrelationship to pride, often with rising stakes that can lead nowhere,and with great pain.

There is a way out of that trap: it is tosay, “You know, this isn’t exactly the kind of person I want to be.”Not “It’s all my fault,” and certainly not “I’m really a terribleperson” – just “I have not always walked lovingly with you”....oneversion of “I’m not the person my dog thinks I am.”

Notice,please, that this isn’t about guilt or self-flagellation. I would nameit vulnerability or reaching out. Guilt is not constructive; it rarelymotivates us to flourish as we are capable of. On the other hand, whenwe reach out by naming a piece of ourselves that we’re disappointedwith, we are really naming our hopes; underscoring our faith that, asgood as humankind is, we’re meant to keep getting better.

To say, “I didn’t handle that well” is to say, “I’m not done as a person,” which carries the hope of growing in that direction.

Thelovely, liberating, empowering thing about vulnerability is that itmakes us agents of our relationships. When we say, “I haven’t honoredmy relationship with you,” we are actually speaking of our need forthat relationship. Admitting and accepting that “we have not walkedlovingly with each other” is an act of restoration; a naming of ourdesire to walk lovingly with each other; a calling each other back intorelationship.

If only that was what I had read at mygrandmother’s memorial service. If only I had heard what a prayer ofconfession is meant to be: our collective reassurance that we belong toeach other, and are most worthy of the love that we have to offer toone another – even with our thousand broken vows.

\"Come, come, whoever you are
Even though you’ve broken your vows a thousand times...”

TheSufi poet Rumi wrote those words seven centuries ago. None of us iswhole, he seems to be saying, but wholeness isn’t required for us totravel together. And so I say:

Come, whoever you are,
even though you’ve broken your vows
a thousand times,
wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving,
ours is no caravan of despair.

Come, yet again, come....
And let us be made whole.

Amen.</td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table></td>

Reading this, I'm reminded of the Lord's Prayer, which I heard and prayed to, even as a Unitarian Universalist, while kneeling among a group somewhere in the neighborhood of 4,000 of hispanic immigrants outside of Waukegan City Hall, facing off against lines of riot police, police dogs, and SWAT snipers that were rumored to be on the rooftops:

Our Father, which art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
in earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
But deliver us from evil.

I have never been more afraid in my life, nor more energized, then kneeling there amongst people whose language I could not understand, and whose life experience I could never really experience firsthand or comprehend in its full nature.

And to give you some insight into what has been described by others as "his beast", I give you another interesting sermon from my faith tradition, which is rather thought provoking in and of itself.

Opening Words from “Fear of the Inexplicable” by Rainer Maria Rilke

How should we be able to forget those ancient myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of ourlives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful andbrave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being somethinghelpless that wants help from us. Reading From “The Long Bag We DragBehind Us” by Robert Bly

When we were one or two years old we hadwhat we might visualize as 360-degree personality. Energy radiated outfrom all parts of our body and all parts of our psyche. A child runningis a living globe of energy. We had a ball of energy, all right; butone day we noticed that our parents did not like certain parts of thatball. They said things like: "Can't you be still?" Or "It isn't nice totry and kill your brother." Behind us we have an invisible bag, and thepart of us our parents don't like, we, to keep our parents' love, putin the bag. By the time we get to school our bag is quite large. Thenour teachers have their say: "Good children don't get angry over suchlittle things." So we take our anger and put it in the bag. By the timemy brother and I were twelve in Madison, Minnesota, we were known asthe "nice Bly Boys". Our bags were already a mile long.

Wespend our life until we\'re twenty deciding what parts of ourselves toput into the bag, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to get themout again. Sometimes retrieving them feels impossible, as if the bagwere sealed. Suppose the bag remains sealed... what happens then?

How many people have ever played with, or watched, shadow puppets?Now, how many have ever been frightened by something that turned out tobe a shadow? It’s funny how a shadow can bring both enjoyment andfear. When most people think about shadows, they think about thedarkness. But shadows only occur when there is light. You cannot have ashadow in a dark room; you need the light. So shadows are as much aboutlight as about darkness.

Carl Jung looks at the Shadow as anarchetype. He defines the shadow as the part of yourself that containsall of the things you repress during your lifetime. These can be thethings our parents told us not to do, “You are too old to cry”; or ourpeers, “You can’t do that if you want to be our friend.” Even things wedon’t like about ourselves, “I talk too much”. We don’t lose theseaspects of ourselves; they are accumulated in our unconscious to bedealt with at a later time. In our reading this morning, Robert Blytalks about the invisible bag in which we put the part of ourselvesthat we do not like. The invisible bag is our shadow. It containseverything we have put away since childhood. The light we were bornwith has been turned into shadow.

What is interesting torealize is that the shadow was once light. So it can be transformedback into light again. That is the goal of shadow work: to reintegrateall of those aspects of ourselves that we have placed in our bag andrecreate the ball of light that we were born with. We just have tolearn how to do it.\r\n\r\nThe first thing to consider when doingshadow work is how to recognize shadows. This can be a difficult task,as we have worked so hard to hide these aspects of ourselves that wemay not recognize them when they appear.

One way in which our shadows may appear is in when you act in a waythat is out of character. Have you ever done something and had no ideawhy you did it? Something just "came over you" and you reacted in a waythat was different from the way you normally would. Or what about aslip of the tongue? Have you ever said something you did not mean tosay? I know I sure have. Many times. \r\n\r\nThese moments can be yourshadow slipping out. When they happen, take a moment to listen to them.It could be your shadow saying, “Hey, I’m here.” There may be somethingin what you said or did, or in why you said or did it that you shouldpay attention to. Your shadow wants to be noticed. It wants to bereclaimed by you.

Another way your shadow can manifest is inprojections. This is when we see our shadows in others. Generally wedon\'t recognize the shadows as being ours, but just a problem in theother person. Known as "outer shadows" these people rub us the wrongway. Maybe your blood pressure rises when they walk into the room. Ormaybe you tend to argue easily and often. These people are usuallyclose to you, such as a partner or a family member, but it can manifestin anyone who spends time around you. No matter who they are, theyrepresent a chance to get to know your shadow.

Projectionsfilter our perceptions, attributing qualities to people that they mayor may not have. It may be helpful to ask yourself a few questions:What is it about this person that you do not like? What qualities dothey have that set you off? Why do they bother you? Analyzing thesecharacteristics can help you identify your shadow, so that you canbegin the work of reconnecting with your shadow. This can be veryscary, and is not easy, but can be very worthwhile.

Somenegative shadows that are left unchecked will grow darker and moreintense. Robert Louis Stevenson, in his novel “The Strange Case of Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” gives a vivid description of untamed Shadow.Henry Jekyll is a perfectly moral, upstanding man. However he had adesire for pleasure that was not considered appropriate for someone ofhis station, so he repressed it. This repression manifested itself inthe form of Mr. Hyde, who is totally consumed with his own pleasure,disregarding the lives of others. Hyde represents the negativepotentiality of Shadow. Left unresolved, the shadow can develop itsdarker aspects to a terrifying degree.

The shadow exists beyond the personal level. Communities also haveshadows. Families, towns, and countries often have a collective shadow.This is a shadow that is shared by everyone within that particulargroup. This type of Shadow is particularly potent because manydifferent people feed it. On a national level, wars are fought overthis type of Shadow. As we look at our current war on terror, I thinkthat it is based on the repression of the acts of violence that we havecaused as a nation.

These shadows become even stronger through whatis called the participation mystique. This is a process whereindividuals and groups identify with something without making thenecessary moral discernment. Usually, this involves people supportingsomeone or an ideology that expresses the societal fears. Theparticipation mystique is attributed to the acts of genocide that hasplagued our world over the centuries.

Whether we are dealing witha personal or community shadow, it needs reintegration. On a communitylevel, it requires all of the members of the community to incorporatethe shadow into their life. In order to reintegrate our shadows, wemust transform it into something that we can use. Some shamanictraditions refer to this as finding the "gift". This is somethingbeneficial that you can take away from the shadow. In this way youtransform the shadow into light. Some define this gift as a lesson orquality that they can work with in their lives. Others identify animage or symbol that reminds them of what they can take from theshadow.

For example, a person could be working on a shadow related to speakingtheir truth. Let’s call him Jason. Jason’s shadow manifests itself inanger. The only time that he can speak his truth is while angry. Inorder to transform this shadow, Jason focuses on the lesson of speakinghis truth. He uses the image of a bullhorn to remind him to declare histruth whenever possible.\r\n\r\nUnderstanding the shadow has reallyhelped me at school. Being in a Christian environment, the topic of sincomes up frequently. As Unitarian Universalists, how do we deal withthat topic? Most UU”s that I know don’t even acknowledge sin. But Ithink that the shadow can help us come to terms with the concept ofsin, and provide a healthy alternative.

Theologian Paul Tillichdefines sin as separation from God. Now, I equate God with love, solet’s redefine sin as separation from love. So anything that preventsus from engaging in the act of love (to ourselves and others) is sin.That is what the shadow essentially is. The shadow representseverything we do not love about ourselves. And when we project ontoothers, we have difficulty loving them. Shadow, then, is a form of sin.

When we do shadow work, we learn to love our shadow. We fullyembrace it and it’s role in our lives. We are able to love ourprojections, and the people behind them. Slowly, we become the radiantbeings described in the reading by Robert Bly. We become completelyconnected with the spirit of Life. Shadow work is highly important workfor us to do, and it is extremely hard work for us to do. And I dothink that we engage in this work on some unconscious level. Thosemoments of self-revelation are shadow moments. We recognize our shadow;we find a way to transform it into a positive force, and we move onwith our lives.

Shadow work helps us love ourselves. It is so hard to love all of whowe are, and yet it is the healthiest way to be. Our opening words fromRainer Maria Rilke says “everything terrible is in its deepest beingsomething helpless that wants help from us.” Our shadows want to beloved, want to be reconnected with us. Working with shadows allows usnot to be sinners, but travelers in shadow.

Napua McShane, a friendof mine at school, told me a Hawaiian Story called A Bowl of PerfectLight. This story reminds me of the shadow. Listen to it’swords.\r\n\r\nEach child born has at birth, a bowl of perfect light. Ifthe child tends the light, it will grow in strength and the child cando all things—swim with the shark, fly with the birds, know andunderstand all things. If, however, the child becomes envious orjealous, a stone drops into the child’s bowl of light and some of thelight goes out. The light and the stone cannot hold the same space. Ifthe child continues to put stones in the bowl of light, the light willgo out and the child will become a stone. A stone does not grow, nordoes it move. But if at any time the child tires of being a stone, allthe boy or girl has to do is turn the bowl upside down and the lightwill grow once more. Turn the bowl upside down. Work with your shadows.Learn to love deeper than you ever have before. These are the gifts of life.

Blessed Be.

In other news, my schedule as far as week/ends for business travel looked like the past 5 weeks and over the next 6 weeks::
Portland Oregon
South Chicago
Downtown Chicago
Indianapolis
Milwaukee
(Last Week/end was gloriously free)
Detroit
Cleveland
St. Louis
Detroit
(I'm in Chicago a whole 12 hours that week)
Indianapolis
Madison, Wisconsin

I'm going to have a ton of miles, and if anyone wants to hang out/visit me, or offer a cup of coffee for a weary road warrior call before you make plans, to see exactly where I'm going to be on a day to day basis)

Mental Acuity

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 22:20:59 GMT

I part of me died about the time you all saw "Forget My Name" show up in this here journal. I feel like if nothing else, people deserve to understand why I've been ignoring things and not being there as much. Particularly everyone down in Evanston the last two or three weeks. The first piece of my life that has conspired to make communication and other such tasks difficult is that about three weeks ago, I lost the internet connection at my home, and therefore, the only hours I can really be on with any sort of regularity is from 6-9, when I'm at the library, chilling out. I don't do that all that much, because I've been reading in my room quite a lot.

The second reason I've been running around is that both my counselor and my boss have come out and told me: "Phil, if you don't separate yourself from Evanston, not just directly, but more indirectly, you're not going to have the focus you need to keep this job." If I didn't put some distance, I was going to be a moot point, because I wouldn't have been in Illinois, much less Chicago. I've had to sit down and figure out my priorities, and for the first time, work was at the top, where it always should have been. This has caused a seachange in how I interact with people, as a working person has become my main identity. I am not a student who is working during the summer, or who works until he can go hang out with his friends on the weekend. My work is what sustains and carries me, because it has had to.

This has hogged a lot of my time the last three weeks, as I've been working 16+ hour days most of that time trying to get a million dollars worth of grants into the places they need to be. I still have 4 days of that left, but soon that will be over. Throw into the mix two fistfights at work, my continuing to slump job performance, and the resulting suspension and near firing I received, which was what prompted forget my name in the first place. Cluttering the top tiers of my consciousness are a dying grandfather, a dying dog, a mother with cancer, the abuse of physical intimacy, and from what I can tell, that my parents will be divorced shortly after my sister leaves for college. I had to decide what I want to do with my life, and the choice was hugely unpopular with my parents. I'm going to be living with the s.o. of someone who hates all of this that I've become: a responsible, hardworking, driven person, in the things that matter TO ME. The people I've prioritized in my retardedly busy schedule are not those who care about who am becoming, but that I am ok with who I am right now.

My thoughts about school have changed, in that process, as I've started to realize that I don't REALLY thrive from getting things from others, or giving things to myself, which has been my ultimate downfall in the past. I thrive off of giving things to people who are most able and willing to use them. This means I usually try to help people at their lowest, where the potential to use my strength is most profitable. I tried the popular kid who everyone came to for advice, to hang out with, and then decided I needed to do what I thrived off of.

Such is life I guess.

So, I was reminding of something recently.

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 23:47:07 GMT

The first lesson comes from someone I don't talk to all that much, but when I do, I get this twisted in my stomach, jebus that was deep feeling. Friends show you what kind of friends they are when you treat them like shit. Steph, you are amazing. I haven't quite ironed out in my own mind whether I've moved beyond things, or if hope rises eternal. What I am sure of, is that the conversation we had turned the deep, introspective part of me back on, just by you asking me questions. Funny how that happens, and how much you can learn about someone, not only by the answers they give, but by the questions they ask: I feel like there was a LONG ISRC diatribe on this at one point.

I am incredibly busy right now. Between work, trying to iron out where and what I'm going to be six months from now, and trying to keep my expectations in check, I sorta feel like my brain is like a race car: The tires are wearing thin on the car, and I need to make a pit stop, because bald tires slow you down, and eventually, they can cause you to crash. But stopping in pit lane to change your tires and get filled up on gas has two downsides too: you fall behind the other people on the track, and when you're refueled, you become heavier, and therefore, slower. So the question I have to ask myself, in term of my own personality is, do I trust my skills on a fresh set of tires and a full gas tank, to actually catch up with the other people on the track, or I do REALLY trust my driving skills, and try to finish this race without running out of gas and without crashing on bald tires. I'm competetive, so my inclination is towards option number #2. #1 is the safer route, the smarter one. But the question is, how much will I regret getting left behind in a decide to stop into pit row and refuel. I guess it's the long vs. the short term, and I don't know which one is more important, because without the short term going well, there may not BE a long term.

Maybe Steph got me a little TOO introspective, and I just need to take my own advice and try to live life as it comes to me. We'll see what happenens, and see how much on the run gas and tires GA can give me. If Gabriel or Kira are there, the possibilities are limitless. The only question is, how much unseen baggage do I drag back into a fledgling relationship with someone I feel I COULD really care about, if I got to know her.

Future Career Plans

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 15:34:34 GMT

So, my life goals have changed a little bit in the last two weeks, and I have to admit, that particular pill was a little hard and bitter. But this is what I can see the next little bit of my life looking like:

1)Take classes at CLC/Evanston/Waukegan Fire Department to become EMT-Paramedic certified, as well as FEMA managment certified. Concurrently getting into shape for 2)

2)Get a job with the Chicago Fire Department as a paramedic, graveyard shift while completing a Social Policy/Religion major at Northwestern.

3)Enroll at Meadville-Lombard, take on Paramedic/Chaplain/Cook position with ChicagoFD. All of this in like 2012.